The Comparison Trap: How to Stop Believing Everyone Else Has It All Together
The Scroll of Shame (Or, Why Social Media Makes Us Feel Like Goblins)
You know the drill. It’s 10:15pm, you’ve finally finished clearing the kitchen, the kids are in bed (mostly), and you’re scrolling Instagram with one eye half-closed.
There she is — the “perfect” mum from school — doing sunrise runs, making overnight oats, smiling in matching pyjamas with her kids who apparently enjoy family movie night.
Meanwhile, you’re reheating yesterday’s pasta and wondering if you’ve actually booked parents evening or if you ordered the netball hoodie for a trip coming up! - yep that was me this week!!
Welcome to the scroll of shame — that late-night spiral where we convince ourselves everyone else has cracked the code to calm, balanced motherhood… while we’re hanging on by a thread.
The Day I Realised No One Has It Together (and It Changed Everything)
For the longest time, I thought other mums were simply better at it. They remembered non-uniform days. They had planners. Their kids didn’t scream about homework and they could get out the door in one smooth transition & no rows!!.
Then one day, on the school run, I was chatting to some mums, who looked like they always had it together…but.. they are just like me and you… running on empty - forgetting if it was PE day, they just hid it behind a smile!!
That was my turning point. Behind every organised calendar is a forgotten permission slip. Behind every smiling family photo is at least one kid, whatever age refusing to participate.
No one has it all together. Some of us are just better at covering the chaos with dry shampoo and a smile.
Why We Compare: The Hidden Pressures of Mum Life
Mum guilt doesn’t vanish when the baby stage ends — it just evolves.
Now it’s:
“Should I be doing more for their mental health?”
“Am I too strict? Too soft?”
“How do other mums manage after-school chaos, work deadlines, and general teenage mood swings without combusting?”
Our brains compare because it feels safer to measure ourselves against others. But the game is rigged — we’re comparing our behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel.
And honestly, sometimes I look back to my own childhood in the 80s and wonder how it all got so… complicated. Back then, no one’s mum was reading parenting blogs or tracking everyone’s milestones on social media. After school meant outside — climbing trees, drinking squash, maybe one landline phone between all the neighbourhood kids - yep I know I’m showing my age here but its true and I’m sure a lot of you mums can relate!
Now? Everything’s digital, visible, and constantly updated. We don’t just parent — we perform parenting, often in real time. There’s this constant sense of being watched, measured, or “keeping up,” even if it’s only in our own heads.
Social media, school gates, group chats — they all make it seem like everyone else’s kids are thriving while ours are arguing over Wi-Fi speed, rolling their eyes, and losing yet another water bottle - 10 in fact my son came out of school with not so long ago!!
You’re not behind. You’re human. You’re just raising kids in a world that’s noisier, faster, and far more connected than the one we grew up in — and that’s a lot to carry.
Why It’s a Total Lie: Busting the Supermum Myth
Let’s say it plainly: there is no Supermum.
The mum who meal-preps, works full-time, volunteers, and still goes to Pilates? She also cries in the car sometimes.
The one whose kids are polite and tidy? She’s still Googling “why won’t my teenager talk to me?” at midnight.
We’re all juggling, dropping, and improvising.
The myth of “doing it all” is just that — a myth. Pretending we’re fine only makes everyone else feel like they’re failing. The truth is, we’re all just trying to keep the wheels on the family bus.
The Plate-Spinning Reality: What’s Actually Going On
Here’s what real life looks like for mums with older kids:
Racing to after-school activities like an unpaid Uber driver.
Running the washing machine like it’s a side hustle.
Sitting in the car park answering work emails or scrolling TikTok for a moment’s peace.
And somewhere between maths homework and meal planning, we’re supposed to meditate, exercise, and “find balance.”
It’s no wonder we compare. But falling off track — missing a workout, snapping at your kid, ordering takeout again — doesn’t mean failure. It means you’re doing life.
Mindset Shifts: How to Step Out of the Comparison Trap
Time for a few gentle resets:
1. Compassion, not comparison.
You’d never judge your friend for feeling frazzled — so why do it to yourself?
2. Progress over perfection.
You don’t need a perfect routine; you just need to keep coming back to yourself. A 15-minute walk counts. So does locking yourself in the bathroom for five minutes of deep breathing.
3. Let go of the “shoulds.”
“My kids should be more grateful.”
“I should have more patience.”
“I should be doing more.”
Replace “should” with “could” — it’s instantly kinder.
4. Mindset swaps:
“She’s handling it better than me.” → “She’s handling her version of chaos.”
“I’m failing at balance.” → “Balance isn’t static — it shifts every day.”
And please, don’t underestimate humour. Laughing at the madness is survival, not denial - is actually the best therapy!
Reclaiming Calm and Confidence Through (Short) Pilates
When your kids are older, the time pressure changes — but the mental load doesn’t.
That’s why short, consistent movement is a sanity-saver. Pilates in particular isn’t about perfection; it’s about pausing the mental noise. It gives you ten quiet minutes where you’re not solving someone else’s problem.
Try this:
A quick session before the kids get home.
A stretch while the pasta cooks.
A few deep breaths before bed instead of one more scroll.
Small moments matter. You don’t need an hour — you need intention. And you absolutely deserve it.
You’re Not Alone — And That’s the Best News
The biggest lie comparison tells us is that everyone else has it together. They don’t.
The mum who looks confident at pickup is worrying about her child’s friendships. The one who posts family hikes on Sundays probably argued the whole way up the hill.
So let’s drop the act. Text a friend. Be honest about the chaos. When we share the messy truth, we make space for everyone to breathe again.
Strong and calm doesn’t mean perfect — it means showing up, even when you’re tired, frazzled, or on your third cuppa of the day.
Quickfire Mum Life Truths
Because laughter is the ultimate coping mechanism:
“I love my children. I just wish they came with a mute button between 4–6pm.”
“If you see me in activewear, yep live in it — I’m just trying to remember what motivation felt like.”
“Parenting older kids: equal parts chauffeur, detective, and emotional hostage.”
The Gentle Finish
You don’t need to be a Supermum.
You don’t need a colour-coded calendar or a spotless kitchen.
You just need to keep showing up for yourself — in small, kind ways.
So tonight, instead of scrolling and comparing, stretch. Breathe. Make a cup of tea you’ll actually finish.
You don’t need to have it all together.
You just need to keep going — messy, tidy in your own way , and completely human.
And you may think I have it all together writing this and figured it all out. The fact is I have many days when I feel I don’t have it together at all - this is a reminder that I will come back to again and again and you should too…